I just finished writing a letter to my pen pal Mandy in the States. During the letter, I briefly mentioned to her how I used to feel about myself regarding relationships and other such things. Although it was mentioned briefly in the letter, I now find myself thinking about the way I used to think. Are you following me still? Probably not. I’m not making any sense really, but I will in time – I promise.

In grade seven and eight, and most of grade nine too for that matter – I truly believed that I was deemed “unworthy” of having any cute, decent guy crush on me. I automatically thought that they wouldn’t like me after finding out about my MHE. Most of the times, I was right, but only because it was back in grade seven, when boys still thought belching and farting was cool – hell, they still think belching and farting is cool. What I mean to say is they were even more immature in grade seven then they are now, which is saying a lot – for the most part anyway.

In grade seven, I also thought that “a person like me” shouldn’t wear makeup. I wasn’t meant to be a normal teenage girl, so I shouldn’t act like a normal teenage girl by wearing makeup and carrying a purse. That’s right – I didn’t even think I was worthy of having a purse! I don’t know where my train of thought came from, well me obviously but I don’t know why I thought that.

I know now (obviously) that I was completely wrong with my outlook on life. It was ignorant of me to think that of myself, and it’s just as worse as other people being ignorant towards my medical disability. Now I know that I am just as worthy of having relationships as anyone else in the world is. I wear makeup, and do “normal” teenage girl stuff. Since I grew up a little and realized how wrong I was, I’ve never thought anything like that again, because that way of thinking is wrong and very self harming.