Today on the drive home from co-op, my dad and I were discussing this years MHE Gathering and my possiblity of going. I told him how I haven’t seen Mandy in 5 five years – since our first meeting at Wheels Inn. He told me that I could plan something for this summer and he would make sure that it happened; it just has to be sensible. Although I’ve been a part of the Bumpy Bone Club for years now, I’ve never gone to an MHE Gathering, it’s always been too far away or we just didn’t have the time or money to go. I’ve also only ever met two people with MHE – Mandy and her mother – so it will be good meeting more people with MHE. It should be an interesting experience – if I ever get to go.

I also spoke about my fears of never being able to afford my own car. He told me that since they wouldn’t get anything for our current car if they wanted to trade it in for a new one, then I could probably just have it – free of charge. That takes a load off of my mind, as being able to afford a car has always been one of my biggest concerns. I know that I’ll never be able to work a normal “teenage” job because they are all shift work where you have to stand on your feet for hours on end, and I just can’t do that. If I did manage to grin and bear it, I still wouldn’t be able to work enough shifts to even consider buying a car in this lifetime, and I’ll need a car to get to college. Plus, who wants to wait until they’re 30 to buy their first car?

My dad let me drive up the driveway today, since I’ve finally got my G1. I’m a little slow on switching from the gas peddle to the break, and I imgaine that will take some getting used to. So I’ll have to keep practising in the driveway. But it’s a start! At first I was really nervous because I didn’t know if my ankle would lock up. I guess to ensure that it doesn’t happen I’ll have to keep practising and doing exercises to make sure I have full control over my ankle movements. Both my sisters had to worry about lead foot, so it’s no surprise that I totally have to worry about it.

And since I won’t be able to start college until September of 2008, I’ve decided that I’m going to search for a part time job I can physically [and emotionally] do. I’m going to give the go-ahead to my mom about the summer babysitting job she offered. At first I thought the idea was horrible - babysitting a 7 year old girl and a 10 year old boy has got to be wearing on your energy – but I decided if I carefully planned out our days and made sure they were packed full of entertaining things to do then I wouldn’t have a problem for it. On sunny days they could come instead over to my house and use the pool and do outdoor activities, and on rainy days we could stay inside and do various crafts or games. I have a PS2, so all I’ll have to do is place the boy in front of that if he doesn’t feel like doing crafts on those rainy days. Sounds good right? And I’ll be able to save up a little money!

Then I’ll look around for a suitable part time job for the school year that I won’t be going to school to save up more money, but I’ll worry about that after summer.

I know everybody has their insecure moments; but lately I tend to be having them a lot more. I don’t know why, or even how these insecure moments are brought on. Sometimes they just appear out of no where – hitting me hard from the side or somewhere I don’t expect them to hit me.

Usually when I have these insecure moments, they appear out of no where and they are almost always MHE related. I’ve been dating this really amazing guy for nearly six months now, and I still doubt what he says. After all, my last two breakups where MHE related – the one guy said after he dumped me that he was the best I could do with my “nasty bone thing” (well, he turned out to be wrong…the guy I’m dating now treats me amazingly) and the other guy said he was breaking up with me because I couldn’t “physically keep up” – he liked working out, ATVing, and a lot of other stuff I couldn’t do.

I’m trying to do something about it too, because I hate how I am – always doubting people and being negative (although I like to look at it as facing reality) but it’s hard. Sometimes I can vanish my insecure thoughts and get on with my days, but other times it’s really hard. Sometimes I feel so weak for thinking bad thoughts about myself – like I can’t do this, or they don’t really like me.

Maybe I am weak. I hate being insecure though. It’s annoying for me and those around me.

I know my posts have been far and few in between – and I apologize, I promise I haven’t abandoned this blog. Ever since I’ve started co-op I’ve been quite busy. I am on my laptop pratically all day working on the volunteer handbook, and the last thing I want to do is go back on it when the “work day” is over.

Sometimes I feel that I’ve been running around like a chicken with its head cut off, but I really like co-op. I like [most] of the day staff, the members make my day all the time, and the work Niki gives us is fun. I’ve had a lot of fun with the volunteer handbook – although it’s time consuming and at times frustrating.

My body doesn’t seem to hate co-op either. I guess it helps that I sit around all day instead of literally standing up – like I would if I was co-oping at a restaurant. I just have my regular “winter aches”. My bones dislike the cold – a lot. I feel like an old woman; I think I’ll move to Florida or something. Just kidding – I love Canada, it’s just really cold in the winter.

Those boots I got for Christmas are amazing! I’ve worn them every single day since I got them, and my feet don’t ache at the end of the day or anything! They even support my ankles! So if you’re looking for a comfortable, warm pair of boots, try “Henn-Pierre”; they’re worth every penny!

A while ago on my other blog, I spoke about my mood swings. I’m easily upset about things, and I often find myself sinking into big black holes of darkness and crying over “nothing”. I thought it was because of the BC pills I’m on, as they work by adding extra hormones into your body. Extra hormones mean mood swings, right? Or so I thought.

In response to that post, my cousin suggested I could be having this ups and downs (more often downs then ups) due to chronic pain. Just lately, I’ve started to read up on it, and do you know what? It fits.

With me, something is always aching. I’m so sick of it myself that I don’t even bother mentioning it. Sometimes, I even get used to the pain in that certain area until the next time it increases. The pain I always feel is almost always in my legs, and sometimes on those cold, damp days my wrists will join in on the fun.

In the past, I’ve stayed in bed all day because it would hurt more to move. Now though, the pain has become a constant part in my life – it’s always there and will always be there. For my last surgery (or was it the surgery before the last one?) we had a few doctors from the Chronic Pain department come in to talk to me. They wanted to put me on a pain killer that I would take every single day three times a day to stop the pain.

I would still be on that pill, had it not made me really sick. I was out of school for nearly two months – even though the surgery was only on my one arm – because I was having trouble with the medication they prescribed me. I couldn’t keep anything down and I became addicted to the other pain killers they gave me for the surgery part of it. I stopped taking the chronic pain medication to see if it would help me keep food down. It did, I didn’t have a problem with eating after I stopped taking those pills. After a while though, I wanted off the other pain killers too, even though my arm was hurting me a lot. So I quit cold turkey (for future reference guys; not a good idea).

Anyway, in the article I read, it said that almost all chronic pain patients are depressed. Several of my MHE friends seem to be going through the same “ups and downs” as I am. So now that I have a few ideas on what’s causing me my ups and downs, my next step is to fix it.

But how do you get rid of chronic pain? Other then taking those yellow pills that made me sick everyday, I mean. And really, who wants to rely on medication? I don’t. That’s why I wanted off the pain killers I was addicted to. It was scary being so dependant on medication, and the chronic pain meds they gave me made me really sick. I couldn’t keep anything down and I was barely ever “there”. So I really don’t want to go back on them.

Quite some time ago, I posted about taking the 90 Day Mangosteen Juice Trial. I know I said I would keep you all updated but I sort of forgot to do the updating part. Yes I know, I’m horrible. I also forgot to take it for the 90 solid days I was supposed to. I’m really terrible with that; I’ll start committing myself to something and get distracted.

However, I do have some good news; although I haven’t been taking it every single day, I’ve noticed a lot of positive changes. For instance, the swelling in my legs that I used to get from just a normal day of going to school has gone away. No more swelling, which is awesome. I also took it hard core whenever I got sick and it helped me recover faster. I’ve had less cramping in my feet and legs – now I’m not sure if it’s because I haven’t been doing anything to aggravate them or if it’s because of Xango; all I know is no cramps = a happier me.

Now I’m trying to remember to take it every day again, and hopefully I’ll remember this time, but just imagining the other improvements the Mangosteen juice can do for me has me all excited. I should be drinking a lot of it and trying to strengthen my immune system – which has always been very poor.

But all in all, I really think Mangosteen works; for me anyway. I’d imagine that it would be like certain medications though, and help some people more then it helps others. I recommend trying it though, because I’m impressed with the improvements I’ve felt even with not steadily taking it. And really, what do you have to use? Give it a try!

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what I would change if I had the money for plastic surgery. Come on, who doesn’t think about it? That thought is sure to have crossed every female’s mind at some point – even if it was a “Wow, that’s digusting – I would never do that to my body!” But really, would you? If you had as much money as Paris Hilton or Britney Spears?

I’ve been under the knife a lot of times – just not for plastic surgery. Plastic surgery would probably turn out to be disastrous for me, because of the way I scar. Still though, I often used to dream of being scarless and perfect – I even thought about looking into having my ears pulled back.

Now though, I’m completely content with the way I look. I wouldn’t change a thing – unless said scar was causing me a lot of irritation and just not healing properally. Yeah, I’m still really senstive about it and you probably wouldn’t catch me on the beach in the near future – but I don’t hate myself enough to change myself.

The scars all are there to remind me of the things I’ve gone through. Yes, even if they were gone then I would still have the memories of each surgery, but they are like a map – helping me remember where I’m going and where I’m from.

A couple years ago, I thought that if I changed myself then people would like me better. I wanted to make myself better for them, not me. Media can be a scary thing, can’t it? Telling people they have to look a certain way in order to be happy. And to think I believed that bull crap about the perfect shape and size.

I don’t want to look that certain way anymore. I’m happy with who I am; although it does get annoying at times and it’s quite exhausting to always be thinking about the consequences for my actions. I can’t just go snowboarding and have fun with my friends without wondering what the physical effect will be. I still want to experience all those fun things my friends do; and maybe I could, if I was careful about it.

Still, it beats being a size 0 with tons of eating disorders. Besides, it was rare in itself finding someone who actually hated me because I had extra bones or scars. It was silly of me to hate my scars and want them removed. I know that now.

So my message for today is; be happy with who you are, because it isn’t going to change. Plastic surgery just seems to make things worse. Don’t believe me? Two words: Michael Jackson.

Ya, I think I’ll keep the scars. And my sticky out ears.

Lately I’ve been very busy – or as busy as someone like me can get; someone with no actual hobbies, obligations or places to be anyway.

Exams were exhausting. As usual I didn’t study for any of them. The extent of my studying was to make a cheat sheet for Math. That was all I did. Still though, I ended up passing every class – much to my intense surprise. I thought History was a lost cause after taking one look at the exam. Stupid key people and your strange, long Russian/German/Japanese names.

After exams I was busy planning my best friend’s birthday party and getting ready for yet another Sunrise Youth Group camping trip – which I ended up coming home from because I didn’t feel to great. My stomach hurt a lot and my back was still majorly sore from sleeping on a really hard bed at my best friend’s birthday party. But that’s really all I’ve been up to, aside from catching up on reading and fanfiction (yes, I write fanfiction stories. I’m so lame).

Anyway, semester 2 offically began today. I have one week of in-school seminars and then I can finally start co-op on the 12th of February. I’m very excited about it, in case you couldn’t tell. Wait – I’ve barely blogged about it, so it’s likely that you couldn’t tell…oh well. I’ll make up for it now…

OMG! OMG! OMG! I’ll actually be working! A real job! As in practically 9-5! At one of my most favourite places in the world! I’m so excited about all the things I’ll get to do; I’ll learn the office and business side to Sunrise Youth Group, plus I’ll get to maybe work with the EA’s and see what that’s all about. Not to mention one of my most favourite people in the world is in the Day Program. He’s so funny and cool!

The only thing I’m slightly concerned about is my energy level. During the seminar today, my co-op teacher informed us that it would be difficult as full-day co-op students to get used to the rotinue. It’s actually working instead of being in school – which is practically sitting down all day. I’ll be up and about doing whatever tasks Niki wants me to perform. I’m worried that I’ll end up having to miss a lot of hours, and that will screw up my quest to earn 6 credits by getting extra hours (yeah, I didn’t know you could do that in co-op but apparently you can!).

I’m worried about my physical health. I don’t want to push myself too far too fast, but I really need to get my body used to working full time jobs. What am I supposed to do when I’m older with bills to pay and a house of my own? I’ll clearly have to learn now how to suck up and ignore my body’s complaints.

I think I’ve explained before that I usually get tired quicker then people without this disability – it takes a lot out of you walking around with extra bones, don’t cha know – and I really don’t want to end up causing more health problems for myself, but I really want to co-op. Working with the developmentally challenged is something that has always interested me, and I need to see if I can actually physically do it – or at least physically bare it.

I have about four months to figure it out.