If you’ve ever experienced pushing your body to its limits and not getting anything good out of it, you’ll understand this post. Since February I’ve worked my bony bum off at my co-op, because I knew all along that I would be applying for summer student and I wanted them to see how hard of a worker I am. Not to mention, I needed every hour to count so I could graduate this year.

But my body is tired and it feels like I’ve proven nothing. Yes, they appreciate all that I’ve done. Yes, they appreciate the fact that I’m in here every day while the other co-op student calls in sick 99.9% of the time. But it still doesn’t seem to be enough, because Greg keeps talking about the really awesome nursing students they’ve interviewed. I can’t compare to a nursing student, I’m only in high school. All I have to offer is my goals for the future, my ability to work hard and stay on task, and the fact that I’ve been here forever and know the members. Plus that I’m self driven. I can complete tasks on my own or in a group. But I’m also just in high school. They already have a high school student, and they like him a lot because he knows what he’s doing and they don’t have to train him. They would have to train me.

One of the reasons why I really want this job is because I won’t have to stand for long periods of time. I’m already doing all of the work the summer students would be doing and my body – for the most part – is handling it well. I’m tired because I am pushing myself to come in everyday, but I need to break my body in and get used to coming to work everyday.

Hopefully all this hard work will pay off. I should know by Friday.

The sun is shining, and its really warm out. The perfect day to get started on the garden or other outdoor chores – although I won’t. I’ve never really had a green thumb. I tried for a while there, when I was about 6 or something and my Papa dug me a garden in the back yard. Pulling out weeds frustrated me though because it seemed like the very next day they were back again.

In any case, my legs are very pleased that the weather is getting warmer. Winter didn’t really treat me so grand, and yesterday I found myself in a lot of discomfort and pain because it was damp and raining out. The car ride up to the college had been rather long for me, because I felt so uncomfortable in the back seat – even though I tried to spread myself out a bit. So I’m happy for the break from rain and dampness, and I plan on taking advantage of this break by maybe reading on the back porch. Or at least opening all the windows in the house.

I recently got my mom into blogging, just because I think it would be good for her. I should make a pillow or something that says “blogging is good for the soul”. Anyway, she seems to really like it so that’s good. I hope she doesn’t discredit me and admit what a horrible suck I really am! I also tried talking my friend Mandy into getting a blog, and she says she’s going to update it when she has more time. Maybe she’ll write a bit about MHE too, so keep an eye out for her. I know she hasn’t updated it yet, but I expect good things from her; she’s also a fan of writing.

I’ve recently been emailing another girl my age with MHE, Meaghann. We have a lot in common too, which is odd. She too loves to write and keeps a blog (which is not as often updated as mine, but I don’t have any other hobbies heh). So I was happy to find out that someone else shares the same hobby as myself; updating blogs.

The future is still unclear on if I’ll be going to the MHE Gathering or not. I still haven’t heard if I got the Sunrise summer student job yet. If I did, then I won’t be attending this year because I’ll have to work that weekend. It sucks how one of the camping weekends that as I summer student I would have to attend falls on the weekend of the MHE Gathering, especially since my dad said I could go this year. I really do need the job though, so if I get it I can’t complain or beg for it off. $10.50 an hour would really help me out, especially with college in the fall. I would be able to help lessen the finanical burden on my parents.

Speaking of that, I’m going to apply for a million more bursaries. Anything I qualify for, I’m applying for. I somehow need to find the extra cash to buy a laptop, which I will most certainly need in college. I currently have a Compaq Presario. I can barely lift it, so I need something that’s very light weight but still really good for memory and all that high tech jazz. If you have any suggestions, let me know so I can inform the college.

Now if you excuse me, I’m going to research the different kinds of bursaries the college offers and apply to all the ones I qualify for, then I’m going to go outside and enjoy the nice day!

Today I booked an appointment with the Student Advisers of my college to be for a tour, seeing as I was late for the open house they had and didn’t really get a chance to explore the school. During this tour I realized just how big and wide-spread the college really is, although the Student Adviser assured me that my classes would be in the same general area.

I wasn’t on this tour alone though, so I couldn’t really voice many of my questions about disability services. I suppose I’ll have to contact the disabilities office and book a seperate appointment. I’m also beginning to think I should meet with my new doctor at the new hospital long before I start school, that way I won’t miss any classes. Catching up in college would be a lot more difficult then catching up in high school. I find it slightly depressing that I don’t get to have an OT in college, I’m used to mine speaking for me and making sure that I have what I need in order to excell in school. I’m going to have to speak for myself here, and its slightly scary. I’m looking forward to being more independant, but it’s nerve racking at the same time because I’m afraid of leaving out something important or not being able to voice my concerns or needs loud enough to be heard.

Despite having to speak for myself and make sure I have what I need, I’m looking forward to college. It’s a new and exciting experience. I’ll be on my own for the first time (and who knows, maybe even the last). Plus theres always the exciting High Speed Wireless Internet to look forward to!

A while ago, I requested a review for this blog over at So Many Blogs, So Little Time. I really couldn’t believe I got such an awesome review, 8 out of 10 is really good – in my opinion anyway. I’m not going to get all egotistic about it, don’t worry.

I think the best part of the review (in my opinion anyway) was how Diva Dee was able to know who I am from reading my blog. Thats what I was aiming for; was something so personal it would feel like my readers knew me and everything I’ve been through. I wanted this so that other teens with disorders – whether its the one I have or a different one – would feel like they knew me on a personal note.

So thanks Diva Dee, for reviewing my blog and having such a nice opinion of me.

Yesterday I went to a Youth Fair with my co-op employer, Greg, to recruit volunteers for Sunrise. We set up our board and pamphlets and waited to talk to whoever came up interested. The kids were from grade 7 up to grade 11, and again I was wowed about how inconsiderate and rude peoples kids are. For instance, this guy in about grade 8 or maybe 9 came up to our table to ask what this “Sunrise” thing was about. Greg told him Sunrise was a recreational group for the developmentally handicapped and all we required our volunteers to do was to come out and be friends with our members and basically treat them the same as they would their friends. We explained that Sunrise was created to give developmentally handicapped adults the same opportunities as anyone else has.

This kid was being rude the entire time, rolling his eyes and waiting impatiently for us to finish just so he could say “why would we want to do that, its not like they’d know any differently!” in a rude tone. Greg and I were stunned. For starters, they do know when someone is treating them differently, and they don’t like it. They do deserve the same opportunities as any other person out there, and to come up to us and to fart stuff out of their butts about our members not deserving the same opportunities as anyone else.

But he just shook his head and laughed and said “I don’t need this shit.” It irritated me to no end because we didn’t force this kid to come over and we certainly didn’t want to hear his ridiculous opinion about stuff he doesn’t know. How come kids today are so stunned? I get that not everyone can work with developmentally handicapped people, but to be that rude about it? Why? Why act like you’re better then someone when you really aren’t?

I’ve noticed that there are a couple people out there who act like they are better then anyone who has a medical problem or delay. It’s pathetic, because no one is better then anyone else in this world. Unless that person is scum and goes around talking about how developmentally handicapped people shouldn’t have the same opportunities as “regular” people.

On May 15th, I have an appointment in the hemophilia clinic for my “final visit before transfer”. I’ve mentioned earlier about my move from Sick Kids to an adult hospital, and how I’m nervous about it. I think at this present moment I’m more nervous about my blood clinic visit.

You see, the blood clinic at Sick Kids has always been, well, eager for my blood. It seemed like every time I had sugery, they’d be up visiting me every day trying to poke holes in my fingers and draw blood. I’m a veteran when it comes to blood work, but I still flat out refuse to have what they called “finger pricks”. My fingers are small, the needles are huge. I’d much rather them take blood from a different location, like my arm. Your fingers are more sensitive then your arm, and they bleed more. I don’t like blood very much, who does? I always felt sick when I watched the huge needle suck away blood and fill up the containers – which weren’t very small.

I know that blood work is very important after surgery; they need to do it to ensure that you didn’t loose to much blood and that your white blood cell count is still good and all that jazz, but I hated how they were always so eager. They would come in with huge smiles practically drooling and stare at my vains as if they were seeing a meal they’d like very much to eat…

 Ok, maybe I’m over reacting a bit here…but I can’t help it. The blood clinic has and probably always will creep me out. I’m hoping the blood clinic at the “adult” hospital won’t be so creepy and take my blood so eagerly.

I don’t think I will ever forget that “major” surgery I had on my hip; I lost a lot of blood and the blood clinic was in ever day practically begging me to take the blood transfusion they offered. The first time they were so excited, but they got really desperate after my parents firmly said no. That small percentage of a risk is too great for them, especially considering I wow the doctors with the things that happen to me – like that time they froze what they thought was my whole arm so I wouldn’t ache so much afterwards but the freezing completely skipped my shoulder where the majority of the surgery was and completely froze my hand, which only had a minor surgery. Talk about fun times.

Anyway, it turns out that I was able to solve that problem with Iron pills alone; so a transfusion was definitely not needed, and thankfully never received.

Clearly, you can tell that I’m ever so excited about this visit.

The interview went alright, or at least I think so. One of the questions was “what is your weakness and how do you think it would affect you at Sunrise?”. Obviously my weakness is being weak; I am not able to help the wheelchair members because I can’t physically lift them, I also am not supposed to because I could harm myself as well as the member. I’m hoping that this won’t affect anything though, because my only weakness is weakness – and extra bones. I can deal with the lack of energy, I’ve been living off of shear will power for weeks now. I’m glad the interview went okay but I’m still a little insecure about the outcome. They could easily find someone better then me to do the job.

I have to wait a week or so until interviews are over before I found out if I got or not. Keep your fingers crossed!

I have decided to move from blogger to WordPress, as I’ve heard some pretty good things about WordPress. Although in a way it kind of stinks because I won’t be able to have my own custom made blog design, but so far I’m happy with WordPress.

I have my job interview tonight, and I’m really nervous. Danielle (one of my co-workers) mentioned that the only thing counting against me is the fact that I don’t have my drivers license. I don’t see why that would matter, especially if they are hiring 4 people. They could make sure that the other people they hire have their licenses. Janice (another co-worker) told me not to worry about it because I couldn’t get my license based on the fact that I had 2 surgeries and just wasn’t ready for it.

But we’ll see how it goes.

With my thoughts so caught up in college and the prospect of getting a place of my own (which, by the way, has officially happened; my parents paid first and last months rent to my “landlords” just this Friday and I will move in early September) I forgot to mention the little gift my dad got me…. well I mentioned it on my other blog but I forgot to mention it here. Its such a pain trying to divide both “actual life” and “medical life” into two blogs, but I’m trying to do it.

Anyway, my dad got me a spiffy Q-Ray bracelet. He told me it was for being accepted in to college, and because he had been meaning to buy me one for quite some time, seeing as it’s supposed to balance negitive and positive energy forces in your body to acheive a state of “Chi”, which will allow your body to perform to its fullest potential. I know a lot of people who wear them because of arthritis pain and they say it really helps. I’ve been wearing it solidly now since Easter Sunday, and I have noticed some slight differences; I do feel more balanced. I have “heavy duty pain” usually (meaning its more painful then arthritis) so I didn’t and won’t expect this cute Q-Ray bracelet to help with that but its still good feeling balanced. I’ve tripped over my feet less in the past few weeks and I’ve been less stressed out.

Now being less stressed out could just be because things are starting to fall in place for me, like I have an interview on Monday for Summer Student. Several people have told me not to worry, and that SYG would be foolish to not hire me. After all, I could start in May and work for co-op hours instead of money, so they would save 2 months of paying someone else. Plus I’ve been a volunteer at SYG for almost 3 years now, and I know what I’m doing. I know the members, and I know the protocol; to a certain extent anyway. Hopefully I get that job though, as I won’t have to stand the entire time and it pays more then an average fast food joint.

Last night I couldn’t sleep, I was so worried about what I was supposed to do about the whole college business. If something ways heavily on my mind, then the problem has to be solved soon or the longer I have to wait and think about it, the more anxious I get.

My dad was really hesitant on me even considering moving out for college. He was being really stubborn and kept saying that I’m his little girl and he doesn’t want to think of me going away to college. I don’t want to think of myself going away to college, but the fact of the matter is that I am. Living near the campus would relieve so much physical stress off me, and it will teach me how to budget and be more independent.

I think we’ve worn him down though, he knows that I will be able to excel better if I’m living near campus. I emailed the Housing Officer (a lady who helps you if you want to look for housing off campus) and she told me about how her daughters best friends parents were a really nice family and they had a basement apartment that they wanted to rent out to two non-smoking females, and that it would be the perfect location for me because its only a 15 minute walk to the campus and the bus stop is four doors down! So I called the lady and my parents and I are going to take a look at the apartment tomorrow evening. I’m hoping my dad won’t be too stubborn about out, and I’m really hoping that he doesn’t take too long to decide. I don’t want to loose the place to someone else because he took to long debating pros and cons.

I just finished writing the personal circumstance letter that I’m supposed to attach to my bursary request when I sent it in. I’m really hoping that I’ll get the bursary, because it would help us out a lot. I’ve always felt like a financial burden on my parents because unlike my sisters, I couldn’t work part time so my parents have had to pay for everything I need (such as clothes and shoes) or want (like entertainment). I also discovered that a lot of my medical expenses are not covered by OHIP. After surgeries, any physical aid (like a walker, wheelchair, or crutches) and pain medications come out of their pockets. Thats a lot of years of a lot of surgeries and a lot of money coming out of their pockets.

Last year, when my sister Kate was writing her letter for her bursary, she told me that you’re supposed to make it seem like you have it really rough and you can’t really afford college. I was just being truthful in mine. I tried to explain things clearly but I’m afraid that I might have sounded as if I was trying to milk it. The fact of the matter is that we do need the help that a bursary would offer.

If I get the Summer Student job, I’d work the entire summer (thats 11 weeks) 9-5pm, 7 days a week making roughly $10.50 (thats what my friend made last year when she had the job). In a single day, I should make about $84 (if my calculations are correct). $84 x 5 days a week is $420.00, and $420.00 x 11 weeks of summer is roughly $4620.00, give or take around a hundred dollars for deductions. If I lived near campus, I would have enough money to pay for my own groceries and my phone bill for 8 months, and that would leave me with about 500 or so dollars to spend on extra things – so mostly monthly bus tickets. I would be able to help my parents out in some way, so lets really hope I get the Summer Student job…