Sometimes, I wonder if theres something seriously wrong with me. When I have my downs, they’re really down. I could be just hanging out with friends and suddenly I’ll feel so insecure about myself that I almost cry. Almost, but I don’t, because my friends or whoever I’m with might think I’m a crazy if I did.
Although other times I think I’m perfectly normal, I mean its normal for any girl to feel insecure about their body. Even if its one little thing, like having pimples. I find comfort in that, because if everyone feels insecure sometimes…then its okay for me to feel insecure, right?
I’m much better then I was a few years ago, I know I’ve spoken of the days when I would only wear long sleeved shirts and baggy pants. Let me tell ya, not good days. The school was always so hot and stuffy and I was too insecure to roll up my sleeves, let alone wear shorts or a skirt.
Although I still find it awkward when people point out the huge ugly scars on my arms, I find it slightly more comfortable to dress for the weather. If its hot out, I no longer wear baggy heavy jeans and long sleeved shirts. I still tend to stick to wearing jeans but I do wear t-shirts now. I still don’t like wearing skirts because my MHE is very noticeable in my legs, more so then my arms. Plus I did wear peddle pushers to school one hot day in grade 9 and went home not even 20 minutes later because I was paranoid that everyone was staring at my legs.
I still get paranoid about people staring at me, thats why it makes me uncomfortable to have strangers stare at me. I know that everyone does it without knowing, I know I do it too, but it always makes me anxious if strangers stare at me too long.
I wonder if I would feel more confident if I was a guy. Generally they don’t care about other people judging them. Girls are crazy insecure about stuff like that. I know a lot of guys are too but most of them have that “I really don’t care” attitude. I admire people with that “I really don’t care” attitude. I want that attitude. I’m still trying to get it. I’ll let you all know when I succeed.